Chapter 1: I Hate Christmas Shopping
Word Count: 2,167
Warnings: WIP, Anal, Fingering, Toys, Language
Summary: Naruto needs a little, NO a lot of help with his Christmas Shopping. Poor Iruka takes on the challenge and a whole lot more.
Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, sadly that means I do not own it and have gained nothing but personal satisfaction from writing this.
A/N: Written as a Christmas Gift for my wonderful sister and wonderful beta fairyniamh.
"I hate Christmas shopping!" Naruto grumbled for the hundredth time.
Iruka rolled his eyes for the hundredth time, "If you whine one more time, I'm going to tell Tsunade what you almost got her for Christmas."
"What? I think a ball gag is a great idea! How else can she shut Shizune up?"
"Naruto that is not appropriate," Iruka scolded. "She can not use a ball gag on her employees."
"Can you think of a better way to shut the harpy's mouth?"
"Really Naruto, it's Christmas... try to be a bit more charitable will you?"
"Ha! I was trying to be charitable, but NOOO! You thought it was tacky!!" The blond huffed as he trudged through the snow beside his older friend.
"What are you talking about?" Iruka asked as he held open the door to yet another store. Naruto almost wanted to cry.
"I hate Christmas Shopping," he whimpered as he stepped into the brightly lit store with techno Christmas music blaring in his ears. "I tried to buy practical Christmas gifts that people would actually USE and probably wouldn't buy for themselves... but Iru-Scrooge said 'NO'."
Iruka stopped short and glared at the younger man. "You can NOT buy all your presents at an online sex shop Naruto and THAT is final!" He shook his head in disbelief. "Between Kakashi and Jiraiya you have become permanently warped."
Iruka really didn't know the half of it. As he brushed past the demented blond, said demon paused for a moment to appreciate the view the man presented from behind. It really was the only redeeming thing about this whole ridiculous shopping trip. Iruka floated around the store from display to display, completely unaware of the brilliant blue eyes that never once left his lithe frame.
It was all Kakashi's fault in truth. It was his off hand comment while they'd been drinking that had turned Naruto's admiration for his strong willed and gentle friend into something bordering on obsession. He only looked at brunettes now and none of them compared to the tempting treat that was currently glaring at him from the cash register. Naruto was very curious what expression Iruka wore when he came. 'Is it something primal and aggressive or a sweet blissful face...?'
He was pulled from his reverie by a knee to his left thigh, perfectly striking the common peroneal nerve. The sympathetic nerve response caused both his legs to give way. He gasped and grabbed for the only thing close enough to support him. Women's panties flew through the air as he upended the table and tumbled to the floor in a rain of colorful under-britches.
"Oh sweet Kami!" Iruka gasped as he reached for Naruto, but just missed catching hold of him. He watched in shock as the blond's hands hit the table. It scooted out from beneath his weight and flipped into the air. Naruto's eyes were as wide as saucers when he hit the floor. Then, there it was, raining panties all over the blond. He looked up at Iruka from a snowdrift of silky, frilly, lacy undergarments and it was all Iruka could do not to laugh.
Needless to say, they were asked to leave and not return. Naruto had started giggling and Iruka's face had turned bright red only moments after the catastrophe occurred. A very thin very annoyed sales woman asked them in a thoroughly bitchy voice, "May I help you gentlemen?"
Naruto grinned at her before pulling a blue g-string off his head. "Don't suppose you have this in my size?" Iruka lost his composure then and crumpled to the floor laughing hysterically.
The brunette was still wiping the tears from his eyes as he followed his grinning friend into the little coffee shop. They both needed a break from shopping. Iruka found them an open table and Naruto got their order.
"One peppermint tea... Don't know how your can drink that stuff..." Naruto took a big sip of his mocha latte and chuckled when dome of the whipped cream smeared his nose.
Iruka smiled, blushing brightly, "I like sweet things with a kick. Don't you ever get sick of chocolate?"
"Nope, most useful substance on the planet," the blond said while wiping his face clean on his sleeve. Iruka started giggling at that, but quickly stifled it and looked away when the blue eyes met his quizzically.
"And just what is so useful about it Naruto?" He was trying to avoid explaining his amusement. Naruto was so uncouth and cute sometimes. Instead of reminding him of their age differences, it was times like this that Naruto actually made Iruka feel young and carefree. He treasured his friend more than the other man would ever know.
"There's almost nothing you can't top with chocolate and eat," Naruto said in an authoritative connoisseur's voice. Iruka giggled again. 'Kami would I like to top you covered in chocolate syrup...' Yes, Naruto's mind never really left perv-ville when he was with Iruka.
Iruka met his intense gaze, totally unaware of the lust behind those sparkling gems and smirked cockily. "So you can eat it... doesn't sound too useful to me."
Naruto leaned a little closer and whispered. "Well, there are other uses..."
Iruka took the bait leaning in as well he whispered. "And those are??"
"Chocolate syrup makes a wonderful lubricant in a pinch."
Iruka's eyes went round and his face went three shades past red. He coughed and buried his face in his hands. "Oh sweet Kami! You really are beyond all redemption!"
"But you still love me," Naruto stated factually sitting back and grinning.
Iruka shook his head and drew his hands from his still flaming face. "Kami help the one you finally settle on Naruto. Poor thing can't possibly know what he's in for."
Iruka knew Naruto's preference, hell the whole village did. He'd never been the shy type and when he'd hit puberty, everyone knew it. He'd had more amicably casual amorous adventures than even Kakashi. Iruka had never discussed his own preferences, but Naruto had known him long enough to have long ago guessed that the adorable man did not swing to women.
It was actually a discussion of that very topic that had led to Naruto's obsession with the sweet brunette in front of him. Kakashi, Shikamaru, Raidou, Genma, and Naruto had been discussing the currently available gay and bisexual men in the village when Iruka's name had come up. 'Konoha's greatest treasure there,' Raidou had remarked. Genma had agreed. Kakashi while sipping his sake glibly commented, 'Best untapped ass in the fire nation.'
That's what had done it. It didn't sit right with Naruto. Deep down he knew Iruka was gay, but the man had never ever been linked to any man in the village. Actually, he'd never been linked to any woman either. It was almost as if Kakashi was right, but he wasn't. Naruto had a sixth sense when it came to people. Somehow he knew without a doubt that Iruka was gay and definitely NOT the untouched frightened virgin the three older men had insinuated in the following conversation.
Shikamaru had tapped his shoulder in the middle of it and grinned at him. "Maybe he just doesn't like to piss in his own pool, ever think of that?"
The other men gave the young genius a thoughtful look. Iruka didn't leave the village often, but when he did it was usually a simple solo mission... so anything was possible. That made sense to Naruto, but unfortunately that thought had led him down a road of others. The road ran past curiosity, straight through interest, and into complete obsessive need and in the middle of the trip to crazy-ville he'd realized something. 'I love you Iruka. Everyday I can't wait to see you. I think of you all the time. I love you and Kami knows I would give my soul to fuck you even just once.' Being a young man in his prime, the prioritization of emotions and need was still a bit skewed.
"Yeah, well... Anyone who'd love me would have to be nuts right?" More than a little of his old insecurities echoed in a comment that was meant as a joke, but only came out sad and a little bitter.
Iruka responded immediately without thinking. He reached across the table and grasped Naruto's hand in his own. "No Naruto. Loving you is easy. You have so many people who love you." The blond looked up at him through his thick dark lashes trying desperately to read more into the emotion flowing from those chocolate brown orbs.
"I will say that if he moves in with you, he's certifiable... but loving you would definitely be the easy part." Iruka tried to throw a little truthful humor in to lighten the moment. Naruto pouted.
"There is nothing wrong with my apartment." He knew what response he'd get. It was time to change the subject anyway.
Iruka's eyes almost rolled back into his head. Naruto didn't let go of his hand, but he didn't notice. A shudder rippled through his body at the images in his head. "Most people Naruto, do not have a vibrator collection... most people do not permanently keep handcuffs attached to their headboard... I don't even want to think about what might be hidden under your couch... I've seen your kitchen.... that's enough."
"Hey! My kitchen is clean!"
Iruka couldn't stop himself. "Yes, Naruto. So are the two dildo's and the vibrating cock ring in your dish drainer." It took him a moment to realize he'd said it out loud, and loud was the word for it. Every other voice in the place fell silent as the entire room turned to look at the two men. "Oh sweet Kami! Please please kill me now!" Iruka breathed closing his eyes and trying to disappear.
"Um, you do realize that just because you can't see them, does not mean they can't see you... right?" Naruto asked around chuckles.
"You really are a bad influence, do you know that?" Iruka breathed in horror.
"You have no idea." Naruto grinned at the other man's discomfiture. 'I love you like this... Kami I want to throw you down right here and make the rest of the world disappear.' He shivered a little at the images in his brain before gathering a little composure and leading Iruka out the door. The brunette didn't open his eyes for at least a block.
Iruka didn't pull his hand away even after he opened his eyes. They were walking hand in hand past a little park filled with colorfully lit Christmas trees. There weren't many people around the few that were seemed to be in a hurry to get somewhere or other. The two friends strolled along leisurely hand in hand without talking. They ended up on in front of Iruka's apartment building. That's when the older man spoke.
"Well this has to have been the most disastrous shopping trip in history. We'll be lucky if we aren't both in Tsunade's office first thing tomorrow." He was smiling though.
"Naw, Baa-chan's gambling with the other Kage's in Suna, remember and she'll most likely have the worlds worst hang over tomorrow. She won't be back until at least dark the next day." Iruka shook his head at the nickname the blond had given to most powerful, not to mention the scariest, ninja in the fire nation. There really was no defense against Naruto's charm. More than one Kage had fallen under the man's spell.
"You know we still have to finish your Christmas shopping?"
Iruka still hadn't let go of his hand. Naruto gave him a quick squeeze. "Told you I should just do it online."
"Not without supervision," Iruka used his teacher voice and Naruto laughed openly.
"I need a chaperon to surf the net now?"
Those pretty brown eyes rolled. "You should have had one a long time ago, there really is no hope now... but I would like to spend New Year's with you, so I need to make sure no one kills you on Christmas."
"Oh, I see... so there's an ulterior motive..." Naruto teased his friend. Iruka took a playful swing at him with his free hand and slipped on a patch of ice. Naruto caught him. Well, he caught him for a moment and then they were both flat on their respective backsides moaning in pain.
"You really are going to be the death of me baka," Iruka groaned and Naruto couldn't stop laughing.